Brian's Quotes-n-Junk

I'm drunk but not as think as you drunk I am.

Pah, science! Has science ever kissed a woman? Or won the NFL? 
Or sent a man to the moon? This is what I think of your precious science!
	Homer Simpson

Barnes just broke the cardinal rule in politics:
never get caught in bed with a dead woman or a live man.
	J.R., Dallas

Never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage
	Al, Married with Children

There is no cannibalism in the British Navy, absolutely none, 
and when I say none, I  mean there is a certain amount.
	Monty Python

Pathetic human race. Arranging their knowledge by category,
just made it easier to absorb. Dewey, you fool! Your decimal
system has played right into my hands! Ha ha ha ha!
	Giant Brain, Futurama

I hate it when villains quote Shakespeare.

It's my estimation that... every man ever got a statue made
of him was one kind of sumbitch or another.
	Mal, Firefly

Maybe it's time you got out there and started meeting people.
You know? Meeting women. Meeting women who didn't give
birth to you.
	Arrested Development

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. 
Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other 
people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out 
your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow 
your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want 
to become. Everything else is secondary. 
	Steve Jobs

The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it. 
	Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

If you're born in this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. 
If you're born in America, you're given a front-row seat.
	George Carlin

It's time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, 
the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian. 

Science is when, in the face of extreme skepticism, enough facts accrue
to change lots of minds.
	R. Highfield

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 
26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. 
I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.
	Michael Jordan

Before I open my mouth, I ask myself three things.
Does this need to be said?
Does this need to be said by me?
Does this need to be said by me now?
	Craig Ferguson

Confidence is silent. Insecurities are loud.

I don't want to be food.
	Alone, History Channel

Impulsive. Selfish. Me-first.
	Description of the demeanor of scientists.

Beyond a certain point complexity is fraud.
	P.J. O'Rourke

Two things happen when you wrestle a pig in the mud: 
You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.

Don't argue with idiots. They'll drag you down to their level 
and beat you with experience.

It's like wrestling a 700-pound gorilla.
You don't quit when you're tired. You quit when
the gorilla is tired.

Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. 
They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. 
All they do is show you've been to college.
	Kurt Vonnegut

There are things that we never want to let go of, 
people we never want to leave behind. 
But keep in mind that letting go isn't the 
end of the world, its the beginning of a new life.

Why do I believe everything I hear in a British accent?

I'm not that smart. I'm a model. What do you expect?

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, 
first make sure that you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes.
	William Gibson

The world is a malevolent force, and it will destroy you.
The only people who survive in life are the people who refuse to fail.
They refuse. They just clamber over any obstacle. They see obstacles, and 
they see opportunity. There is a staircase, and they will tread, they 
trudge, over any toil and mud and filth and sludge and escape somehow
with a gleaming jewel clutched in a clammy paw.
	Russell Brand

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic 
hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. 
There's also a negative side. 
	Hunter S. Thompson

At the end of the day, all money gets you
is a better place to watch television.
	Dana Carvey

Hello, this is God.  Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh -- which is all the time,
since I'm omnipresent -- I listen to all the radio stations at once,
including WRCT.
           Promotional spot heard on a college radio station

Why is it that the truly brilliant are doomed to a life of obscurity,
surrounded by a sea of mediocrity, only to end up covered in sores in
a pool of their own filth?  Oh well, the beat goes on.

God has an unlimited supply of olive oil 
and he's ready to smear the Saved.


Top 10 new hobbies for 1990
1. Collecting antique tunnel supports.
2. Force feeding fat kids.
3. Writing the word "parking" on corduroy puppets.
4. Taping raisins to famous historical attractions (eg. Nelson's Column).
5. Making plaster cast impressions of bag ladies.
6. Saving *all* your exhaled air.
7. Fishing for children. (While on the roof of a tall building,
   dangle a rope and large hook with a toy or goodie bait off the edge.
   The art is in tiring them out by running around the edge of the roof.)
8. Imitating galactic nebulae.
9. Hide candies where people will never find them 
   (eg. within upholstered furniture).
10. Borrow constitutional documents from foreign governments, change
    them, and then give them back.


Sarge's Guide to Getting Out of Viet Nam in One Piece:

1.  Try to look unimportant.  They might be low on ammo.
2.  All 5 second grenade fuses are 3 seconds.
3.  Never share a foxhole with anyone who is braver than you.
4.  Friendly fire isn't.
5.  Remember:  All your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
6.  When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the
    enemy.  They might have other plans.
7.  Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.  Hence
    the importance of rule 8.
8.  Teamwork is essential.  It gives them other people to shoot at.
9.  Expect the unexpected, but remember you can't rely on it.
10. You are not Superman, but sometimes imagining you are is the
    only thing that saves you.  On the other hand, it can also kill you.

China Beach: "How to Stay Alive in Viet Nam Pt. 1", 29-Nov-89


For those of you who think Hitler is still alive, he'd be 101 today.
       Dr. Ronald Ross (20 April 1990)

I know how to spell banana, I just don't know when to stop

C'est la vie, C'est la guerre, C'est la pomme de terre.
        Jim Turner 

Alright, who pissed in the gene pool?

Sorry, I can't undo that.  What's done is done.
        Unipress Emacs #264

As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,
and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a
scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
        M. Cartmill

It was a brilliant idea: You have no responsibility to live up to what
other people think you ought to accomplish.  I have no responsibility
to be like they expect me to be.  It's their mistake, not my failing.
        Richard P. Feynman
        "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman" (The Dignified Professor)

Back off man.  I'm a scientist.
        Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"

Lack of skill dictates economy of style.
        Joey Ramone

Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll
believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have
touch it to be sure.

From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere.
        Dr. Seuss

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly
       colored power tools.

Wilma Flintstone smiles at trees.

The best index to a person's character is
        a) how he treats people who can't do him any good and
        b) how he treats people who can't fight back.
        Abigail Van Buren ("Dear Abby")

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any good, 
you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
        Howard Aiken

Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk.
        TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode "Amok Time"

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so
certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
        Bertrand Russell

Stupidity is the basic building block of the universe.
        Frank Zappa, "The Real Frank Zappa Book"

It takes a smart man to know when he's stupid.
        Barney Rubble

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition 
from mediocre minds.
        Albert Einstein

Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
        An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic

All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are Socrates.
        Woody Allen

For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
"Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
        Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the (former) Canadian ambassador to the U.S.

The mass media is supported and sustained by commercial entities. And corn
flakes and Shakespeare are simply not kissing cousins.  Leonard Bernstein
and living bras are incompatible.  And you cannot sustain adult, probing,
meaningful drama when the proceedings are interrupted every twelve minutes
by a dozen dancing rabbits with toilet paper.
        Rod Serling

To be is to do.
        I. Kant
To do is to be.
        A. Sartre
        F. Flintstone

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
        James Thurber

Breasts suck babies in reverse universes.

I can see stopping a car for a dog.  But a cat? You squish a cat and go
on.  I think we're overcomplicating life.
        Iowa Democratic State Senator James Gallagher

Luke, I'm yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you knob.
        Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"

Do not wear a bow tie to business unless you are a clown, college
professor or a social commentator.  If you insist on wearing a bow tie
to business - and bow tie wearers are a stubborn lot - I suggest you
wear it with the proper accessories: a red nose and a beanie cap with
a propeller.
        John T. Molloy, "John T. Molloy's New Dress for Success"

Bumper sticker seen on the stealth bomber:
        David Letterman animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension.
        Roger M. Knutson, "Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide to Common 
	Animals of Roads, Streets, and Highways"

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he
turns on you with a miniature machine-gun.
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips
over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come.
        Matt "Life in Hell" Groening

Animals are there to be made into furs.
        Carolina Herrera, fashion designer

You know, once in a while it is my pleasure, and my privilege to welcome
here at the Refreshment Room some of the truly great international
artists of our time.  And tonight we have one such artist.  Ladies and
gentlemen, someone who I've always personally admired, perhaps more
deeply, more strongly, more ... abjectly than any other performer.
A man, well, more than a man, a god!  A great god, whose personality
is so totally and utterly wonderful, that my feeble words of welcome
sound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate.  Someone whose boots I
would gladly lick clean, until holes wore through my tongue!  A man
who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed
in a pit of my own filth than dare tread on the same stage with him!
Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink!
        Monty Python

We're treating it as a bit of a lark.  
There's nothing we can officially do.
        Staff-Sgt. Garry Deroche of Cornwall, Ont., on a 7 year old
        who drove himself to school because it was raining and his
        mother wouldn't give him a ride

He's very handsome, but he's a horse's ass or he's gay or he hates
women or he hates people with Rolls-Royces.  He told me to fuck off, and
I thought that meant I could go, not knowing American.
        Zsa Zsa Gabor on the policeman who arrested her

You know, they didn't have any tail-lights.
        A Florida motorist on encountering a herd of wandering buffalo
        on the turnpike

We've got an entrant who's 6'7", and the worst part is he's skinny.
        Senior race steward for Portland's annual Short Fat Guys
        Road Race on their liberalized entry requirements

The great tragedy of science: 
the slaying of a beautiful theory by an ugly fact.
        Thomas Henry Huxley

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed
entirely of lost airline luggage.
        Mark Russell

Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and
danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing "Subtle Plans Are Here Again".
        Black Adder

Play with your cells and become your own food.
	Hippy poster

We kill people, in a sense. We kill their negativity. Then we eat it.
	Hippy on television

You like potatoes, I like potatoes.
You like tomatoes, I like tomatoes.
Potatoes. Potatoes. Tomatoes. Tomatoes.
Lets call the whole thing off.
	Old song from world war II times.

The problem with dancing in the nude is that not everything that is 
dancing stops at the same time as the music.
	Robert Helpmann, choreographer.

Disease and deprivation stalk our land like two giant stalking things.

It's better to get mugged than to live a life of fear.
	Freeman Dyson (intensive care ward)

Ya talk the talk, but do ya walk the walk? 
	Animal Mother

Just say no.    
	Nancy Reagan
Ulster says no! 
	Rev. Ian Paisley

In the courtship game, male computer science
majors rank just above cinderblocks.
	Usenet poster

Put on coarse undergarments and remain standing 
so as the blood doesn't inflame your parts with 
the lustings that befit the beasts of the field.
 	Victorian Dad, Viz Comics.

What sad times are these when passing ruffians 
can say `Ni!' at will to old ladies.
 	Roger the Shrubber.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person
is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
	usenet poster

Speaking as a naked person, it is rather difficult to respect an 
environment that persists in throwing snow and below-zero winds at one.
	Tero Juhani Heikkinen, Helsinki University of Technology (rec.nude)

	Iraqi Bumper Sticker.

The difference between a psychosis and a neurosis?  
A psychosis is when you think 2 + 2 are 5.  
A neurosis is when you know 2 + 2 are 4, but it worries you.  

Hey now, relax. Don't worry.  Have a homebrew!
 	  Charlie Papazian, _The Complete Joy of Home Brewing_

Do you think the Pope ever French kisses the ground
of a country he _really_ likes?

Wow Bob wow!
	Twin Peaks midget.

Don't let your spinach fall to the ceiling.
	Mad nightclub patron.

I don't think there's a man, woman, or child alive who doesn't
enjoy a lovely beverage.  
	David Letterman

There's no devil - it's just God when he's drunk. 
	Tom Waites

I've lost my equilibrium, my keys and my pride.
	Tom Waites

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
	Tom Waites

Satan jeered, "You're dead meat Jesus, I'm gonna
bust you up tonight." Jesus said, "Go ahead, make my day."
        Carman, "The Champion"

I've always been a hypochondriac.  As a little boy, I'd eat
my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.
	Richard Lewis

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting 
dairy cows with a high-powered rifle and scope.
	P.J. O'Rourke

I fell into some ice and your scientists thawed me! 
Your modern world frightens and confuses me! 
	Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

How do we arrange lures in our tackle box?
From left to right, according to size and frequency of use.
	Anal-Retentive Chef

	Comparative analysis of world religious philosophies
	TAOISM		Shit Happens
	CONFUCIANISM	Confucius Says: "Shit Happens."
	BUDDHISM	If Shit Happens, It Isn't Really Shit.
	ZEN		What Is the Sound of Shit Happening?
	HINDUISM	This Shit Happened Before.
	ISLAM		If Shit Happens, It Is The Will Of Allah.
	PROTESTANT	Let Shit Happen to Someone Else.
	CATHOLIC	If Shit Happens, You Deserve It.
	JUDAISM		Why Does This Shit Always Happen To Us?
	JEHOVAH'S WITNESS Let Us In and We'll Tell You Why Shit Happens
	HARE KRISHNA	Shit Happens. Shit Happens. Shit Happens.
	PAGAN		Shit Is Part Of The Goddess, Too.
	SCIENTOLOGY	Feces Occurs.
	EXISTENTIALISM	Everything Is Shit, So Let's Be Depressed.
	NIHILISM	Everything Is Shit, So Let's Blow It All Up.
	SATANISM	I Made This Shit Happen and I'm Glad About It.
	SOLOPSISM	This Shit Happened To Me Alone, But I Am the Cause of It
	ATHIESM		I Don't Believe This Shit.
	AGNOSTICISM	What Is This Shit?
	NEW AGE		For $300 I Can Help You Achieve Shit Happens Awareness
	MARXISM    	Workers shit rules.
	CAPITALISM  	I'll sell you shares in my shit.
	ROMAN IMPERIALISM  I came, I saw, I shit.
	SHIRLEY MACLAINE-ISM  I shitted 4000 years ago.
	SURREALISM	Reality is green and red striped shit with 
			giraffe legs and a bowler hat.


With Dan Quayle, you get what you see.  It is not a carefully
constructed facade meant to conceal a steel trap mind.
	  Sam Donaldson.

I feel Clinton's opposing the Vietnam War isn't an issue, and I probably
would have done the same.  As far as Clinton supposedly cheating on his
wife, what do people think he's going to do?  Be president of another
country while he's president of ours?
  	Tom R., age 12, Woodstock, IL


-- Tirade #1.

Paul, what's wrong with me?

PAUL: Well, you're sarcastic, you're abrupt with the guests; you
have the worst toupee in show business;  you're jokes don't
make any sense; you're always getting Anton Figg's name wrong;
there's always a funny smell coming from your office;  you
look terrible in tweed;  you reek of Mexican aftershave;  you
do not understand how fractions work;  you run in the pool
area;  you dot your i's with little hearts;  you're obsessed
with the glamourous ladies of wrestling;  you tend to stereotype
people of Turkish ancestry; you buy cut-rate salad dressing;
you take your National Parks for granted;  it's mean the way
you scare the paperboy with a blank pistol;  you cut in  line
in the commissary;  you cannot pull off the safari look;
sometimes you start screaming, "Ahoy there, maties" over and
over again for no apparent reason at all; you make the interns
lose to you during your karate sparring sessions;  you hog
the remote control;  you've thrown away your god-given talent
for dancing;  you skimp on the mayonnaise; you're as dumb as
a post;  you giggle whenever anyone mentions the penal code;
you used to really like Jethro Tull;  you once pummeled Katharine
Hepburn --

DAVE: Wait a minute!  She had that coming!

PAUL: Maybe so.  You betrayed folk music when you went electric;  you
bitch and moan about having to work one hour a day;  and finally,
you insist on calling me Paul even though my name is actually
Frank.  And one more thing:  you seem to have no idea how to use
a telephone.

-- Tirade #2.

DAVE: Is something troubling you?  Are you all right?

PAUL: To tell you the truth there are a couple of things.

DAVE: Like what?

PAUL: Well, it's awfully cold in here;  I buy those Oreos for the
band and the musical guests.

DAVE: Okay, I won't eat them.

PAUL: Also, please stop asking us to play "We Built this City on
Rock'n'Roll";  Dave, you are not one of The BeeGees, so stop
telling people that you are;  I do not mind the oath of
loyalty, but every day?  I know it was you who vandalized my
lawn ornament.

DAVE: You can't prove anything!

PAUL: Your ears, David, look like some kind of toaster snack gone
wrong;  I hate the stupid way you pronounce "chimbley" --
it's "chimney";  we're having trouble getting any store to
accept those "Dave-Dollars" that you pay us with;  I get
tired of explaining to my mom that your jokes aren't
supposed to be funny;  what is that aftershave you're
wearing, A-1 sauce?  You are not a Cajun so drop that fake
Cajun accent;  you waste hours in the supermarket because
you simply refuse to organize your coupons;  you're homely
as a slab of peat moss;  you say catty things about Liza;
frankly, your oil paintings are amateurish, and when Gary,
my favourite character on "thirtysomething" died, you just
laughed.  Your obsession with the Oakridge Boys is
unhealthy;  you had the Trivial Pursuit card that mentions
you framed;  I'm sick of you shouting, "Them boys is tasty!"
after every french fry you eat;  we've all seen your biceps
so enough already;  there are no health reasons for you to
wear three-inch lifts in your shoes;  Anton tells me you've
been touching him in the elevator again;  that is not a
social club you belong to, it is a right-wing, paramilitary
group intent on overthrowing our government!


Letterman's Top 20 Children's Books 
Not Recommended by the National Library Association

20) Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep
19) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose
18) The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and the Vice Squad
17) The Tickling Babysitter
16) A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides
15) Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
14) Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
13) Babar Becomes a Piano
12) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
11) David Duke's World of Imagination
10) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
8) Legends of Scab Football
7) Teddy: the Elf with a Detached Retina
6) Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
5) Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the
        Endings to All of Them
4) Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Purse
3) Things Rich Kids Have but You Never Will
2) Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off
1) The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead


1980 Chrysler Lebaron. Owned by my grandfather. 19K orig mi. No rust,
was garaged. Several lg dents in drs and front fender due to
grandpa`s 1920`s style driving. Runs as good as the day it was new,
which is to say pathetic. This is the Chrysler that made Toyota so popular. 
	Newspaper classified ad

The deadliest bullshit is odorless and transparent.
	W Gibson
"ERROR 155 - You can't do that."
	From the Data General S200 Fortran error code list

Why do aspiring young mathematicians bathe a lot?
Because they want to be Kleene.

I am Homer of Borg. Resistance is fut.... mmmm... donut!

Starve the ego, feed the mind.

Adding manpower to a late project is like getting nine women pregnant
in hopes of obtaining a baby in one month.

   The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One of their
children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"  God asked Abraham to sacrifice
Issac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.
Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they
did not take to it.  One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
    Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.  Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
ten commandments.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.  He
fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
           Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers"

Whether they find intelligent life there or not,
I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

Hand me a pair of leather pants and a
CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for today!
	Zippy the Pinhead

The Osmonds!  You are all Osmonds!!
Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!
	Zippy the Pinhead

Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants - massive, difficult to 
redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling 
amounts of excrement when you least expect it. 

Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million
typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare.
	Blair Houghton

I can do that, but I don't want to.  
	Bart Simpson.

Wow, levitation, Atlantis, astrology, liberal scientific-field-name
dropping, personal attacks, spelling attacks, reincarnation, Cayce,
clever foreign phrase, and Nixon reference.  All in one article!  Oh,
how I love the internet.  
	Article in sci.archaeology

The net isn't going to change the world, it's just a bunch
of progammers for chrissakes.  
	Richard Sexton

Women know about life and about how to get along with others, and are
sensitive to beauty, and can yell louder. They know all about guys,
having been exposed to guy life since forever, and guys know nothing about
girls except that they want one desparately. Which gender is better
equipped to manipulate the other?
	Garrison Keillor.

You don't know what you don't know.

Simultaneously all three went for the ball
and the coconut-like sound of their heads
colliding secretly delighted the bird.
	Gary Larson

What happens in life is you go on, you get to the next step, and 
you start to realize that life is not about instant gratification, 
nor about a destination. It's about a path you follow.  
	David Johanssen

When life hands you a lemon, just suck on that lemon and say, 
'Oh, yes, lemons.  I love lemons.  What else have you got?'
	Henry Rollins

Betray us and your suffering will be legendary, even in HELL!
  	PinHead, "Hellraiser"

On the Internet, no one knows you're a dog.

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care.

There is more of David Letterman in the 
historical Jesus than Pat Robertson.
	Arthur Dewey, Xavier University.

I'm a hopeless chauvinist!  Every time I begin to
explore my feminine side, I always stop and cop a feel...

It was as humiliating as doing a strip tease 
in front of my grandparents.

Bumpersticker for the Day:
     My child is on the honor roll of the
              Guayaquil, Ecuador

To be or not to be
that is the *fzbt*.
     Typing monkey #1988423774638247853487


	A primer on chaos theory
	For want of a nail the shoe was lost,
	For want of a shoe the horse was lost,
	For want of a horse the rider was lost,
	For want of a rider the battle was lost,
	For want of a battle the kingdom was lost -
	And all for the want of a horse-shoe nail.

	-- Benjamin Franklin.


Don't knock on death's door... ring death's doorbell 
and run away.  Death HATES it when you do that.

One day you'll wake up and Hello Kitty will be staring
you right in the face. Prepare for the day.

Having bureaucrats set scientific rules and agendas is like having 
public servants in the department of defence replace the generals in a war.
	John Polyani
I reckon you shouldn't judge a man by his giant prawn's upper lip.

Nothing soothes the broken heart
like an endless stream of fabulous babes.
	Larry "Bud" Melman

Does it look like drugs have fucked me up? I'm sitting here
on a beautiful beach in Mexico; I've written three books. I've
got a fine one-hundred-acre fortress in Colorado.  On that
evidence, I'd have to *advise* the use of drugs.
	Hunter Thompson

Who is the happier man, he who has braced the storm of
life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore
and merely existed?
	Hunter Thompson

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things
you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the
bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds
in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover
        Mark Twain

    Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.  They also had myths.  A myth
is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the
River Stynx until he became intolerable.  Achilles appears in "The Illiad", 
by Homer.  Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last 
hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.  Actually, Homer was not written 
by Homer but by another man of that name.
    Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
         Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers"

Don't be trying to hitch a ride on the information superhighway  
... you'll end up splattered all over a modem!
	David Letterman

Think of me as a disabled vehicle on the information superhighway.
	David Letterman

The dramatic concerns of kid-dom are 80 per cent bogus.
You are not going to achieve individuality by having your
knee pierced or wearing a great big ring in your buttock.
	P.J. O'Rourke on Generation X-ers

People who accord themselves enormous virtue for
saying 'horizontally impaired' instead of 'gimpy'
-- these people are assholes, not to put too fine a point on it.
	P.J. O'Rourke on political correctness.

The Soviet Union was bound to fall. 
It was on the edge of the map.   
	Kelly Bundy, Married WIth Children.

The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon.
All water tends toward the moon, because there is no
water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget
where the sun joins in this fight.
         Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers"

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have
been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
         Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers"

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax,
and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain,
the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abominable
cavity contains the vowels, of which there are five - a,e,i,o, and u.
         Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers"

Gordon Davey was named as Britain's most boring man in November
by a TV show in London. The 30-year-old waxed rhapsodic about his
extensive collection of brown paper, which he said has fascinated
him ever since he was an art student. "I shall obviously have to
try to be more interesting and less obsessive," Davey said.
	News of the Weird

My mind is being crushed in the vice-like grip of its gigantic bum...
I shall never again make mockery of sacred statues with fat arses,
for as long as I live.

India's leading Hindu holy "rolling man" went on a pilgrimmage
to England in October. Lotan Baba demonstrated his craft by rolling
on his side for three miles through the middle of a town in his quest
for world peace and eternal salvation. He says he has rolled more
than 4,000 kilometers in India, through deserts and in the middle
of monsoons.
	News of the Weird

Recycling systems for oxygen and water are being developed for space
station Freedom.  Ninety-eight percent of the water will come from urine.
The hardware's final test will require the program manager to drink a glass
of the output.
        The Institute (IEEE), August 1990

Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong.
I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun.
        P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"

That thing that hovers and bobbles around in the air above [Johnny] Carson
and his guests isn't a microphone... it's the very bottom of a flying
        James Parry , talk.rumors, 24-May-91

Is this in 'F' or 'E'?
        One jazz musician to another, in the middle of a number

I think it was President Taft who once met with an old Indian chief and
asked the chief if he had any words of wisdom for the president of the
United States.  The chief said, "Watch your immigration laws."
        U.S. INS official, quoted in P. J. O'Rourke's "Holidays in Hell"

It combines the two worst things about American life.  It is violence
punctuated by committee meetings.
        Columnist George Will on football

Rats greet you, they interact, they try to please.  They are as close to a
dog as you're going to get in a rodent.
        Elizabeth Fucci, president of the Northeast Rat and Mouse Club

Repeat after me: "The netnews is not real life. It's just 1's and 0's. It
isn't that big a deal."  Then go take a walk outside and try to gain some
        Gene Spafford 

If everything is coming your way you're probably in the wrong lane.
        Seen on a marquee

"I'm hot," Melanie said, squeezing his forearm. "For some reason, watching
guys programming gets me hot."  She slid her hand off his forearm and
placed it on his thigh, rubbing gently.  "I thought you knew."
        Story excerpt, ,, 30-Apr-91

In the cafeteria just after lunch, (well, not *just* after, more like
*during* lunch, about 12:28; say 12:30, give or take a few minutes), I
leaned back in my chair (it was one of those aluminum chairs, good
strength-to-weight, like titanium but not quite; but then of course
titanium would be a bit of an overkill).  Anyway, I heard one of the girls
talking about how boring she thought engineers could be.
        Alan Denney 

If you can persuade your customer to tatoo your name on their chest, they 
probably will not switch brands.
        An Indiana University professor on Harley-Davidson owners 

If you can't drink a lobbyist's whiskey, take his money, sleep with his
women and still vote against him in the morning, you don't belong in
        Speaker of the California Assembly Jesse Unruh

The only flaw in the Hinckley trial is that it left a lot of people with
the impression that psychiatrists are just a bunch of bearded voodoo
doctors who espouse confusing and wildly contradictory theories that have
nothing to do with common sense.  This is totally unfair.  Many
psychiatrists are clean-shaven.
        Dave Barry, Psychiatrist For Rent, "Bad Habits"

In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented
six feet downward and covered with dirt.
        Blair P. Houghton  on the subject of
        C program indentation

The game of life is a game of boomerangs.  Our thoughts, deeds and words 
return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy.

He is the stupidest, the stupidest, the stupidest of God's creatures!
  	Admitted terrorist Siddig Ibrahim Suddug Ali, on Mohammad Salameh,
     	who is accused of renting in his own name the van used to blow
     	up the World Trade Center.

Standing here like a loaded gun waiting to go off
I've got nothing to do but shoot my mouth off.
  	Black Flag describes the Usenet experience

The dizzying pace of technology is exciting and... dizzying.

I admit that I was not in the right frame of mind 
at the time I was trying to get to my wife...
	O.J. Simpson during his preliminary hearing.

Michael E. Marcum, 21, was arrested for theft of six 350-pound
power company transformers in Stanberry, Mo., in January.  Marcum
said he needed the transformers for the "time machine" he was
building.  He said he wanted to transport himself into the future
a few days, find out the winning lottery numbers, and then return
to buy a ticket. 
	News of the Weird [St. Joseph News-Press, 3-8-95]

A University of Pennsylvania student group, White Women Against
Racism, recently excluded a black woman who wanted to join.  Group
spokesperson Elena DiLapi said whites have to meet among
themselves in order to understand why whites so often exclude
blacks.  "Racism is a white problem, and we have a
responsibility as white women in particular to do what we can to
eradicate racism." 
	News of the Weird [Chicago Sun-Times, 3-3-95]

I would really like to act in a porn movie. 
I guess I can't think of a better job.
	James H.,

I used to drink, I'm told, two bottles of vodka a day. A day would 
begin with a bloody mary with a double vodka around 8 o'clock in the 
morning and then just nonstop through the day. 
It was great...I loved it ...I miss it.
	Actor Richard Harris

We can't see the GIF for the pixels.

A big tent does not mean big clowns.

The excitement is thick with excitement.

We'd be shocked by how little of time 
others spend thinking about us.

Lapp dancing can be very erotic, but 
watch out for them reindeer antlers.

Favorite Bumpersticker:  VISUALIZE WHIRLED PEAS

I came across a Popular Mechanics site that lists 
Ed Asner's fluid capacity is 147 litres.
	Anonymous Internet fact


Someone on the Internet posted the question: 

	"Assuming you could spend 24 hours doing whatever you want, 
	 and magically return in one piece when it was over, 
         what is the least pleasurable thing you would choose to do?"  

The best answer I saw was: "Being eaten by feathers."


A May Wall Street Journal review of New York City's
Gramercy Hotel art fair (in which artists set up their wares in
individual hotel rooms as patrons roam the hallways) reported
that as one gallery's employees left their card game to attend to
some customers, other customers commented on the card layout
as if it were a work on display.  And another art display was
ruined when a cleaning lady made the artist's bed by mistake.
[Wall Street Journal, 5-4-95] 

De gustibus non disputandum.
	"it ain't no use arguing about matters of taste."

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't
change the subject.
	Winston Churchill

You cannot download the ability
to get along with someone else.
	Critic's comment on the Internet

Don't take this the wrong way...  you have a great head!
	David Letterman to guest Patrick Stewart

Untidiness is a discourtesy to others.

Monsters aren't as scary if you think of their buttocks.

It is a bit humbling to know that each major civilization saw itself as 
the one that would last until the end of time... immortality doesn't last 
as long as Philip Glass albums.

The only problem with rolling in food
is that the plate can hurt your back.

I wish I were Abe Lincoln, but not dead.

I don't KNOW any naked women!
     Dave Letterman to Dr Ruth Westheimer


From the latest issue of Spy magazine. A list of films and 
their titles in China, translated back into English:
The Film                   The Chinese Title
--------                   -----------------
The Terminator             Devil Terminator
Total Recall               Devil Mobilized
Kindergarten Cop           Devil King of Children
Junior                     Devil Jr.
True Lies                  Devil Emperor True Lies
Demolition Man             Super Warrior Police
Judge Dredd                Super Warrior Police of All Times
Indecent Proposal          Peach Colored Transaction
Disclosure                 Peach Colored Top Secret
The Shawshank Redemption   Excitement 1995

The Internet, of course, is more than just a place
to find pictures of people having sex with dogs.
      Time Magazine, 3 July 1995

What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised 
they're going to be when you kill them.  
	William Clayton

Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
	Blore's Razor

May you live in interesting thyme.
	Spice Farmer 


One day I will walk like Walt Disney.

The reason we fall in love is because our ancestors 
who didn't fall in love didn't leave many descendants behind.

There's nothing sadder than watching a mosquito try to
suck on a mummy.
	Jack Handey

Never speak more clearly than you think.
	Jeremy Bernstein

There is nothing more startling to the senses
than a handful of fresh basil.
	Betty Crocker

Lack of leprosy is indeed an aphrodisiac.

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. 
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.
I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. 
All those moments will be lost in time, 
like tears in rain. 
Time to die.
	Blade Runner

The candle that burns twice as bright, lasts half as long.

Kiss me, Patty! I don't have cooties!
	Principal Skinner

I want to be a naughty vampire god!

I've always dreamed of living in a fish bowel.
	Ren & Stimpy

This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in...
if he had been a fiddler crab.

I don't get mad. I get stabby.
	The Simpsons

The two fundamental sins in life are public nudity and insider trading.

I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell!

Before we're finished here, you'll all be wearing gold diapers.

Hey, a fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan! You must be a devil with the ladies.

Everyone's in favor of saving Hitler's brain. But when you put
it in the body of a great white shark, then suddenly you've gone too far!

Bam! Kick it up a notch. Bam! Bam! 

Deliver us, O Lord, from the fury of the Norsemen.
	Dark Ages prayer

He has things to do.
	Mr. Rogers

I love to touch a piano wherever I go.
	Mr. Rogers

There are lots of healthy things that we can do with our hands.
	Mr. Rogers

Once again, my underwear has become entangled in a cow-catcher.
	The Simpsons

I summon the Iron Chefs!
	Chairman Kaga

There are more things, Lucilius, that frighten us than injure
us, and we suffer more in imagination than in reality.

Ah, the Luftwaffe... the Washington Generals of the History Channel.
	Homer Simpson

	line in some email spam

Nowadays, kids almost raise themselves, with the Internet and all.
	Homer Simpson	

Parents without the Internet should have their children taken away.
	Peggy Hill

Oh, no! Aliens, bioduplications, nude conspiracies. 
Oh, my God! Lyndon LaRouche was right!
	Homer Simpson

You know, if there's one thing I've learned from being in the army, 
it's never ignore a poo-poo. I knew a major. He got poo-pooed. 
Made the mistake of ignoring the poo-poo. He poo-pooed it. 
Fatal error, because it turned out all along that the soldier who 
poo-pooed him had been poo-pooing a lot of other officers, who 
poo-pooed their poo-poos. In the end, we had to disband the regiment 
- morale totally destroyed - by poo-poo.
	Black Adder

All your base are belong to us.

How can we beat the shoe fairy?

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny
like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
	Mariah Carey

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
	Jason Kidd, Dallas Mavericks

It isn't pollution that is harming the environment.
It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
	Dan Quayle

There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.
	Groundskeeper Willie

If passenger aircraft were built with the same reliability as computer
software, the ground would be littered with Black Boxes.

I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. I have to work 
for money. Why don't I just lay down and die.
	Homer Simpson

A hundred years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, 
the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove. But the world 
may be different because I was important in the life of a child.
Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know?
	Homer Simpson

The secret of teaching is to appear to have known all your 
life what you just learned this morning.


Arriving for her wedding in 1964, Scarborough bride-to-be Brenda Allsopp 
could only look on in horror as the clifftop crumbled away in front of her, 
plunging the church containing her marriage ceremony 300 feet into the sea 
below, never to be seen again.
Forty years later, whilst on a fishing holiday in Australia, Brenda hooked 
a blue whale and hauled it up onto the dock. Upon slitting it open, she 
was stunned to find what looked like a church inside the beast's stomach. 
Her surprise turned to downright amazement when she opened the door... 
to find her own wedding - including the vicar, her husband-to-be and all 
her guests - waiting patiently inside!


I can't reconcile my gross habits with my net income.
	Errol Flynn

I like my whiskey old and my women young.
	Errol Flynn

Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.
	W.B. Yeats

We've got to get out of Iraq. No question about it. Problem is, as 
soon as we leave, the Sushis and the Sashimis are going to kill each other.
	Old man, Harlem Metro-North station

The greatest error anyone can make is to assume that, because an elderly person is
in a wheelchair or speaks with quiet deliberation, they have nothing important
to contribute to society. It is equally important not to say to yourself if you
are in the bloom of youth: `I'd rather be dead than live like that.' As long as
there is sentience and an ability to love and show love, there is purpose to
	Harry Leslie Smith

I didn't fail 1000 times. I successfully discovered 1000 ways that didn't work.
	Thomas Edison